blackcoffeecarrot

he/him ☆ 21 ☆ INFX ☆ 20/4

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My Side of the Story

tw: pae/ophilia, r//e

Back in Feb/Mar 2020, I made a huge and terrible mistake. I had a sexually explicit conversation with a minor and yes, I did act like a predator back then. Even though it was the minor who started the sexually charged conversation, it was not right for me to continue it and it was definitely my mistake for not stepping on the brakes when she started saying those stuff.

I fully acknowledge my mistakes and I want to apologise to all the people that I have hurt, especially the minor.

During April 2020, two people who knew what happened came out to call me out for this and various other mistakes I have done in the past. Which includes harassing another person back in June 2019 and calling a person r/tard multiple times in December 2019. Yes, even though I am a 20 year old back then, I still acted like I was 14, which is immature and stupid of me. But all those mistakes I made taught me a different lesson and made me a better person. I learn to be more accepting of rejection, treat people as friends first before anything, and mind my language and be more sensitive on the internet. Of course, this most recent incident taught me to NEVER ever talk about anything sexual to a minor.

While talking to the minor, I even wrote a self-insert r/pe fic based on the minor's request. This is the most horrible mistake and creepiest thing I have ever done, that I still regret to this day. I have since taken down the fic and vowed not to write anything like this again. Again, I would like to apologise to the people I have hurt by doing this.

I have now stopped talking to the minor since then and explained my side of the story to one of the people who called me out. I made a public apology back in April 2020 to all the people I have hurt and took a one month break to reflect on what I did and seeked help. I am trying my best to change myself for the better every single day. I have never talked about sexual things to any minor till this day. You can ask any single one of my mutuals and they can vouch for me. Whether is it those who met me after or those who supported me from the start.

However, it has come to my attention that one of the people who called me out, is still telling other people behind my back that I am a pae/ophile and I sexualise minors. They go by the online alias of Kasu/Kazoo. I am not a pae/ophile. The definition of a pae/phile is:

I have no desire to use children as a sexual object and no intentions of having sex with a child. Yes, I acted predatory back in April 2020 but it was a one time mistake based on my lapse in judgement and I was immature and horny back then. I was talking to a lot of minors back then too and yet I did not say sexual things at all. If I did, it was merely jokes and definitely not intentional. Now, I don't even make such jokes anymore, whether is it in public or in private chats with minors. I am NOT a pae/ophile.

I did not change overnight. I am still changing every day to become a better version of myself from yesterday. However, Kasu just refuses to give me a second chance and insists I am disgusting with children, telling people who I barely know that I am a pae/ophile. She did not even have the guts to say it to my face, and even used her friend to expose me. She says I am hiding behind a name, she herself is hiding behind a name to stalk me on my social media. Has she herself not make mistakes too? Has she not been emotional and said the wrong things before? This is what she said as of July 31st 2020, almost 4 months after the incident.

I am seriously tired of trying to explain myself every single time to people I first met, fearing Kasu will tell them about my past and people will judge me based on my past and not the current me. There has been a few times I considered dming Kasu and wanting to stop this but who knows if she is going to ss whatever I say and post it in public out of context again to cancel me? After going through so much, I really really hate drama and I just want to post my art/fanfics peacefully and make like-minded friends. But she is causing me to have panic attacks every now and then, causing me to distrust my friends and live in paranoia.

This is my conversation with one of her friend, who also called me out, back in April 2020.

She not only betrayed my trust for her by posting content of my private acc to the public, she also did not dm me privately about this matter at all. If she did, I would have immediately realised the grave mistake I made and stopped immediately. From what her friend said, it is clear there is some personal grudge over what she did. She is angry because of a game????

Please, if the user Kasu/Kazoo ever talks about me or my past, take it with a pinch of salt because I am not the person I am in the past. I hope this clears up everything and please stop judging me based on my past mistakes. I am really trying my best over here to change and by judging me or cancelling me, you're not helping.

I would have really preferred to stay quiet about this issue but she kept bringing it up and her actions really made it hard for me to do so. I have to make a statement to explain myself.

This is Kasu's discord tag and her Instagram users are

stantomoe
mayatendous
kokichi.kin
nyubarareonas
allstarskg

Also, do me a favour, if you're still uncomfortable with my past actions, feel free to block me but please don't spread to others my past mistakes to sway their opinion of me. Let them make judgement on themselves based on who I am today. Seriously, it is a cowardly and toxic act.